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[icon] I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean
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Time:07:19 pm
i had a blast at home, especially seeing everyone and eating everything that i missed (bus boys nachos, bodos, christian's, mom's breakfast, pizza, pumpkin pie, etc).

i feel this deep want/need to be rooted somewhere, and yet i keep wanting to move and can't stay in one place. i know exactly what i want, and yet i constantly doubt everything. i'm looking at copenhagen right now (for a research fellowship), and really want to visit paris. so if anyone wants to meet me in paris, let me know.

being in the dc area and visiting cville= much needed breath of fresh air and warmth. even moments just sitting around drinking + watching movies with ivan or talking and listening to new electro tracks with kenny were priceless. i saw sam twice, though not long enough, at brunch in shirlington and then down in cville one night; got delicious thai food take out with camille and talked for a couple of hours; hung out in the freezing lot with caleb & got beers with him, frensley + mccarthy; saw two of my favorite professors; hung out with beautiful shauna and saw rick's hip hop group (haven't seen that kid in like 5 years); saw kenny DJ with chelsea, lost at beer pong twice; got pretty drunk off of one joose when i was super jet lagged; saw friends from university at klaas' party//slim's going away party; briefly saw robert who i haven't seen since i was 16-17; enjoyed a delicious early thanksgiving dinner with family + neighbors. my mom just retired, so we also spent a lot of time together; she's never looked more beautiful.

so yeah, now i'm all nostalgic, missing home, and wanting to stop hanging out with the people i hang out with here and make new friends. i want new perspectives and love (not just romantic, but also with friends).
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Time:08:40 pm
my mind is all i have. material things = always getting me into trouble.

just spent an hour talking on skype with my dad about philosophy... particularly schopenhauer. i almost lost sight of my goal to learn enough german to be able to read some of my favorite philosophers in original text. it's saturday night and i'm so happy to stay in (alone), with tea, good food, books and pen + paper. i'm tired of drinking and killing my mind, only for a few hours of illusory happiness and then the next 24 hours hung over as hell. not. worth. it.

i'm thinking about grad school. still unsure about whether i want to continue with poetry/creative writing, something with international law & human rights, international health, or political + social thought. i have not narrowed it down at all, and don't think i ever quite will. i wish i could just spend the next five years (at least) taking philosophy classes with megill, human rights with smith, and poetry with lisa. i miss uva.

i'm so excited to be visiting the states next week! going to surprise my mom for her birthday and retirement... i can't wait to see the look on her face. i miss the comfort of home. things are always so up and down here... and i know they will be that way anywhere i am, but nothing beats the consistency and devotion of family. i'll hopefully be visiting cville, baltimore and maybe nyc! i wish i could see my dad, but there just isn't enough time for that.

off to look for mexican food.
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Time:10:42 am
i'm beginning to think that retiring my social life (for the next 7 weeks) wouldn't be such a bad idea ;) i've been so worn out since starting my german course. my schedule for monday through friday is pretty much waking up at 6:30, german class til 12:15, errands/au pair work until picking up the three kids and then staying with them until 8 pm (or sometimes later). and then when i'm finally done with au pair work, i have german homework. i'm kind of torn because part of me thinks that i'll never ever really be fluent in the language, and i'm not so sure that i'll really live here (past this year), so what's the point of trying.

so i stayed in last night... and still couldn't really sleep either way. i don't know why i can't fall asleep! it's pretty much just turned into a terrible cycle where the whole time i'm stressing/preoccupied with not falling asleep, so that thought cycle keeps me awake. hopefully i'll go out tonight though... alcohol always helps with sleeping ;)

i met a cool boy last weekend (not really a surprise), but it's just so funny because i have such weird taste in guys. this guy is pretty much one of the most attractive guys i have ever seen, and i had fun at the club we met at. he's an incredible dancer and is into anything from the dead kennedys to electro music. i was pretty drunk, and the whole time i kind of got the impression that he was sober... turns out he was. we hung out again this week and i found out a little more about him... he invited me over for video games and "beer pong." the funny thing is, since german's are clueless about beer pong, he thought it was a game where you do tricks and throw the ball into a cup of water. he had looked up videos on youtube and there is some pretty crazy shit with people bouncing the ball off of furniture into the cup (of water-- so they don't drink it). he had no idea that it was played with beer, so that was kind of awkward, especially since he doesn't drink alcohol at all. anyway, he's really into karate and video games... but i guess the plus side is that he has an amazing body since he trains so intensively. anyway, i doubt this will really turn into anything because a) he's not exactly my type (though i do find his eccentricity appealing/endearing) and b) he just got out of a 1.5 yr relationship, so he's not exactly looking for anything serious.

sooo i'm going to my friend's grandma's birthday celebration with 100+ germans. gotta leave now. can't wait to go home and see family.... late october!!
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Current Music:she & him- change is hard
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Subject:change is hard, i should know
Time:09:00 am
i wonder how many people around the world are feeling this sunken remorse? really sad. r.i.p mj.

-----------------------------------------------------


"i was never no, never no, never enough... but i can try, i can try to toughen up. i listened when they told me, if he burns you, let him go... change is hard, i should know"

i've been here for a month already. time flies, and yet SOO much has happened. most importantly: i learned how to drive stick shift! went for a drive through the city the other night, and it's just so beautiful. also, i've been learning more german and spoke with one of the neighbors yesterday mostly in german. she told me a story about how she used to have chickens in her backyard, but that the dogs i dogsit would try and eat them. haha... i can totally imagine that. i watched the notebook and breakfast at tiffany's in german this week!

hopefully today i'll get my au pair visa... i'm probably going to spend the next three hours at the immigration office, fun stuff. also, i woke up at 6 am this morning and then found out that i didn't have to drive the kids to school. yay for 3 hours of sleep.

things with florian are over. i know i've said that a million times, but this time it's for real. his work is most likely moving him to munich (i think that's like 6-7 hours away), and things are always up and down, on and off. not a surprise here, but he really does not treat me well and i'm pretty sure he doesn't have strong feelings anymore. we both agreed that it could never really work out between us. i told him i couldn't do it/this anymore and that i couldn't see him again. of course now, i'm feeling bad at how "extreme" i sounded with the whole "i can't talk with you or see you again"-- so i sent him a message apologizing the next day (I ALWAYS DO THAT). i hope one day we can be friends, but i really have to give it time and space and maybe he'll fade just like every other guy.

looking forward to going out this weekend, and hanging out with more girls than guys.
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Time:02:54 am
my friend just said something really insightful that totally resonates with me:

some expectations are voids that can never be filled, and people let that get in the way of things...


story of my life.
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Current Music:crystal castles
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Time:11:40 pm
starting to feel better, though yesterday was hell. i've heard the third day of wisdom tooth extraction recovery is the worst, so true (for me at least). i had the worst throbbing headache all day... it felt like a terrible hang over x 20. damn. anyway, i cut out the vicodin and just stuck to advil and that made me feel better somehow.

just baked funfetti.... and i'm so excited because i get to see my angelic nephew tomorrow night! ahh, i can't wait. he's fantasticcccc. then graduation this weekend. and next week should be terrific as well (catching up with people and saying goodbye before germany).
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Subject:wisdom teeth
Time:02:05 am
so the part that i was most worried about was the procedure of the wisdom teeth extraction-- but that happened to be the best part... as in, i hope every surgery will be like that! haha and i wouldn't think twice about doing it again. i was on laughing gas and then got a sedative through an IV... the laughing gas was on the whole time during the surgery and that really helped me relax... so did the sedative. so i wasn't totally knocked out (which is what had worried me before, i had some sort of fear of not waking up ahh)... and yeah i definitely remember bits of the procedure, but was very relaxed and didn't care about a thing... though i don't recall sleeping/nodding off, apparently i did. i remember listening to the music that was playing and thinking strange thoughts (like during the liminal stage between wake and sleep).

my mom came in the room to get me when it was over and she was surprised to see me smiling and laughing/happy... the ride home was pleasant too and she told me that we should get more laughing gas so that i'll be a nicer daughter. haha. got home, tried drinking stuff too soon and felt really sick because of all the blood. rested a lot of the day, and stuck to: pudding, apple sauce, yogurt for lunch then pudding, pumpkin soup, and mash potatos w/ a mushroom cream sauce for dinner. ivan got me some protein energy drinks so i just drank one to take some more meds.

the recovery process, again, isn't as bad as i thought it would be. somehow my mentality about the whole thing was skewed before and i thought that the procedure would be worse than recovery.. silly me. either way, there isn't too much pain. most of the time i am relatively okay, but sometimes extreme pain comes, so i just go to sleep. i'm taking a strong dose of ibuprofen (active ingredient in Advil and Motrin) and an antibiotic regularly... and have access to vicodin, but i haven't been taking it. i tried it last night and it made me feel a lot worse.

i've heard that day #2 and #3 of recovery get really bad, but somehow i can't picture that... hopefully it won't sneak up on me and surprise me.

so yeah, i'm going to be resting up the next few days... hopefully reading and watching movies. i've been thinking about food non-stop (as usual) and can't wait to get something solid down... like pizza ;) soon enough. then graduation on sunday! maybe heading down to cville saturday morning and staying through monday if shauna visits!!
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Subject:blahh
Time:04:34 pm
i feel ridiculous about this, but i'm in denial about kuda's (my dog) death. i'm home for the first time since we put her to sleep (last sunday)... and i just keep expecting to see her walking around the house, scratching at the porch door to go outside, or incessantly trying to get me to feed her. i kept saying her name last night, and talking about her and describing her in the present tense instead of in past tense. and last night ivan called one of our neighbors' dogs kuda by accident. we both just kind of paused and looked at each other nervously after that.

i'm afraid to get emotional about it in front of kenny because he was a wreck last week and seems to be doing a lot better, and has seemed to accept what happened. but somehow, this house feels so strange without kuda.... the worst part about it is that i can't go downstairs because that is where she spent most of her time the last couple of weeks and that is where i said goodbye to her. i can still picture her lying down and sleeping on her pillow/bedding, with her ears still completely perked. i keep trying to go downstairs, but i can't. i know kenny has her ashes somewhere downstairs and that'll just really hurt to see. i guess this is denial? god, i feel crazy.

anyway... done with classes/under grad -- one of the most liberating feelings in the world, even though i will be going back to school eventually. graduation is next sunday... and i get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow. eeep.
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Subject:frustrated, depressing rant
Time:06:21 pm
kuda is getting put to sleep. they almost did it today, but i freaked out. i need to at least say good bye to her. i don't think that i will be there for when they actually put her down, which is probably a good thing because i think i'd lose it. this fucking blows. i mean it's inevitable, and i'm glad that i can at least be here (in the country) while it happens, so i can be there for the family, but fuck. i'm such a wreck.

about to drive home... and it's my last weekend at uva :( oh well.

i hate insensitive guys. matt is an asshole. i know i screwed him over before, but he's just so fucking unemotional, insensitive and unresponsive. we were just talking about shit, and i was joking around about how we shouldn't have children because they'd be unresponsive & never return calls (inherited from him of course) and his response was "and yeah, they'd be indecisive and irrational, inherited from you"-- which i do realize that i'm indecisive and can be irrational, but seriously, blah. then he was like "g2g sorry about your dog" and signed off. i can't believe i ever dated someone like him, or even kissed him last weekend. that just makes me feel horrible.

im so fucking sick of guys that don't give a shit and treat me like shit.. and make me feel used for hooking up with them. i hate feeling like calling me back or even talking to me is a burden. i don't get how people can be so insensitive and wrapped up in themselves.

FUCK.
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Time:12:33 pm
i am so freakin ecstatic right now and seriously on the verge of tears... i'm so happy. words can hardly express it--

i'm going to BERLIN for spring break. i found a cheap plane ticket to frankfurt! i'm about to buy the ticket, just waiting to find out if i can leave sunday or monday (i'm scheduled to babysit and the mom is having a baby on friday, so i def can't bail out)-- either way.... i'll be in berlin for at least 6 full days. ALSO... steffen's band "false friend" will be playing an amaaaazing punk rock show on FRIDAY night and i just found out that the myriad creatures will be playing a show on SATURDAY night. AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH. i can't wait to see both of those bands, this is seriously unreal/such good timing.

i can't sit still or focus on studying for a midterm i have in 3 hrs!!
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[icon] I spoke the words but never gave a thought to what they all could mean
View:Recent Entries.
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